This is completely 100% plagiarized from Dick Steele. But it was WAY too funny not to.
This is not an easy essay to write. It’s never easy to admit I’m wrong, especially when I have been so horribly mistaken for such a long time.
However, it must be done. The evidence is clear, (LITERALLY, as you shall soon see…) and the analysis leads to a single, incontrovertible conclusion:
I have been completely mistaken about George W. Bush.
We all have.
We’ve believed him a bumbler, a stumbler; a glassy-eyed, mouth-breathing buffoon with all the fashion sense of a brain-damaged monkey on crystal meth dressing itself from a Nawlinz trash can two days after Mardi gras.
However, here at DickSteele Labs™, we’ve taken a more in-depth look at the man. We’ve spent literally HOURS analyzing all the relevant evidence with the best, most powerful computer systems available anywhere in the world
for $1200 back in 2002.
And the conclusion is unavoidable: all our opinions of the man have been mistaken.
Mistaken because we were unaware of a single, significant fact: George W. Bush can see invisible things.
This is his blessing….and his curse.
Come with me now, as I grant you insight into his world, via the high-tech magic of “captions”…
We lowly peons wouldn’t think him so clumsy if we were able to see all the…
Apparently, it’s EVERYWHERE. Who knew?
And it’s not easy to stay “on message” with all the constant, onrushing…
And few of us really grasp what a James Dean-style tough guy he is…
(Sometimes, the invisible toothpick falls into that narrow spot under the podium. Problem? NOT!)
At this point, many of you doubt that this is a serious thread.
You probably think I’m making all this up; you don’t believe he’s
an actual card-carrying member of the Society of Invisible-Stuff Seers.
Well, if he isn’t, then why does he have THIS:
Chew on that, you skeptics!
Fashion-wise, it turns out that he really isn’t being dressed by blind circus clowns who hate his guts. No, the problem is that you and I are often unable to SEE the single item or accessory that ties his entire outfit together into a masterful composition of sheer couture brilliance.
His invisible top hat just be SILLY without his…
And likewise, this outfit only makes sense if you know about his…
Nothing says “Real patriot” like a…
Suddenly, this makes SO much more sense, no?
And there’s really only one thing on Earth that can tie together a white shirt, Crocs™, and black Presidential-seal socks:
Our inability to see what he sees can cause no end of difficulties for Mr. Bush. A never-ending series of misunderstandings that make his job, and life, so much harder than that of any ordinary President.
We all saw what a hullabaloo THIS caused, just this week:
And that was NOTHING compared to the abuse he’s had to endure because of these:
And he has yet to get a SINGLE chuckle from his favorite press-conference gag:
But, it’s not all bad. Being the way he is, he has a wide variety of options that can help him through the ups and downs of his unique and misunderstood life.
Nothing makes a tough press conference easier than the close support of an…
And “tough crowds” aren’t all that tough, for a man who can see…
There’s nothing like hitting the town with all of your best…
Hey, none of us will ever know the joy of being surrounded by a cheering mob of…
(slipping that invisible watch into the ‘ol pocket this time- smart move, George!)
And ALLLLLL those invisible Bush-fans have some much more PRACTICAL benefits, every so often:
Sometimes, a fellow Society member surprises him with a very special gift:
Of course, that can have a downside:
Few of -US- could ever get away with smoking in church…
His “Invisible George Burns” impression? Flawless!
And if you’re trying to cut back on those, it’s often helpful to substitute…
And, as a lover of “the Great Outdoors”, he enjoys it on so many more
levels than you or I could ever possibly understand.
His invisible active lifestyle spans the seasons, from winter:
Well into the summer heat:
Make no mistake, however; “invisible nature” has a few hazards of its own:
Or even WORSE:
Bad day to forget his invisible monocle!
And,as we all know, EVERY President faces certain NON-natural dangers simply by assuming office. There are crazy, hateful people out there, and any leader of our great Nation ignores them at his own peril.
That’s why he WISELY never goes out without his…
Of course, that will only take care of the first SIX invisible assailants.
If there are MORE than that, then it’s time to bust open a can of whupass “up close and personal”, Bruce Lee style:
And, although it’s not actually a life-threatening problem, he must remain constantly vigilant against the comically painful surprise attacks of….
(“Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk” shall NEVER defeat “Heh Heh Heh”!)
But, in the end, even with his amazing gifts and unfair burdens,
he is still, basically, a human man. Basically.
Even for a man as SPECIAL as George W. Bush, there are moments
in life that every lowly, non-invisible-stuff-seer like you and I can understand, and empathize with:
Of course, he is “special”, and so he can deal with those moments in a way I only wish I could:
This concludes this photographic essay.
It has not been my intent to change minds, or votes, but simply to INFORM.
Whatever your personal opinion, I can only express my humblest desire that
you leave here today with a deeper, more educated understanding of the
unique & incredibly complex man whom we all call, simply, “that fucking shithead”.
On behalf of the entire DickSteele Labs™ staff,
I thank you for your time.
June 14, 2007